Those of you who don’t know who Phillipe is, I’m sorry. Apparently, Phillipe is a hoot to be around. He’s funny, charismatic, your best friend, the works. Oh, he’s my personality after a few too many margaritas at Casa Gallardos. Whatevs.
Lately, though, I feel like I’m a different person. I know who Rachel is. I haven’t seen her in some time, though. I know who Phillipe is. I can’t even tell you the last time he came around. But now? Now there’s a new person. And Rachel is slowly losing her place.
I don’t know who this person is. This person hates the world and everything in it. This person has to argue with herself for an hour before she can muster up enough energy to wash 5 dishes that are in the sink. This person puts off laundry until the very last minute, and even then only does a small load that’ll be enough to just last the week. Nothing makes it out of the dryer, not unless it’s being worn that day. This person hates cleaning because, well, there’s no point. She entertains no one, plus she has a 2 year old that likes to destroy everything. This person snaps, at the flip of a switch, on anyone around her. No idea why. This person goes from a complete laughing fit to a eerily still silence in less than 0.5 seconds, with no explanation. This person is lazy and has no motivation to do anything. In fact, breathing is almost too much work.
Rachel is still here sometimes, but over the past few years, this new person has slowly started showing up. It wasn’t overnight. It was a gradual shift. And the scariest part of it all?
When I look in the mirror, I don’t feel like I’m looking at myself anymore.
Training for the Color Run at the end of this year has been completely put to a stop. I just can’t do it anymore. It physically hurts when my eyes see the treadmill. At the beginning of January, roundabout, I lost 5 lbs. in that first week. This was a HUGE accomplishment. But then I gained it back. And then I gained 5 more. And that sucked. No matter what I did, it was like I was growing up all over again. The weight refused to come off.
And then I weighed myself the other night. According to the scale, I gained 10 lbs. in one week.
I have no idea how that happened. I’m now back down from the 10 lbs. I’ve got my fingers crossed that it was just a scale error or something. But I was almost to the point of hysterics.
I’ve given up hope on just about everything. I know something’s wrong with me, and no, it’s not multiple personality disorder. Seriously. Phillipe came about in a conversation one night after drinking, and it just kind of stuck. It’s not a disorder I have. I’m just me, and I know that. I don’t have any sort of “Our name is Legion, for we are many” moments. No worries there. But something is definitely wrong with me.
I went to the doctor for a blood test a week ago. I wanted to get tested for hypothyroidism. Not only does it run in my family, but after looking up the symptoms it was like the puzzle pieces clicked together, the clouds parted, and a chorus of angels began singing praises.
According to this blood test, my thyroid is fine. So are my vitamin levels. But my white blood cell count was low. I went in to get it tested again, my white blood cell level, that is. The doctor I saw, who originally took my comments about hypothyroidism with a smile, wave, and brush off, wanted to put me on antibiotics. I haven’t picked them up. I don’t want to take some medicine when I’m feeling fine, for the most part. But still, I know something isn’t right.
Here’s specifically what’s going on.
– Lack of energy
– Inability to lose weight
– Hair falling out
– Family history
These are what easily comes to mind. When I think over the past couple years, I realize how much they’ve gradually gotten worse.
Here’s what you’ll find looking up symptoms for hypothyroidism.
- Increased sensitivity to cold
- Dry skin
- Unexplained weight gain
- Puffy face
- Muscle weakness
- Elevated blood cholesterol level
- Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
- Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
- Heavier than normal or irregular menstrual periods
- Thinning hair
- Slowed heart rate
- Impaired memory
And you know, as I look at this list, I realize I have a LOT of this going on. When I say a lot, I mean I can check off…10 of those things. 10. Out of the full 16. I’ve also seen lists that include having a skin condition called vitiligo (which I actually saw a dermatologist when I was in 7th grade about), insomnia (which I suffer from terribly), irritability (yup, that’s bad, too), and a few other things that I have going on. Needless to say, I’m going to be making an appointment with another doctor. One who will, hopefully, hear me out about all these things.
I have no rhyme or reason as to why I’m posting this. I just needed to get it out, get my thoughts together, and see it myself. I need to know I’m not going crazy. I need to know I’m not just losing it.
I need to know that I’m not lazy.